Banned
by sopaltenbass
Summary: 29 March will be forever etched in Zacharias Smith's memory. DAYDverse. This fic won second place in the first anniversary contest on the LJ community daydverse.


**Beta**: **bluealoe** - THANK YOU!  
**Disclaimer**: 1. This is a work of fan-fiction. 2. No money is made on this work. 3. JKR retains her rights. 4. **thanfiction** retains his portions.  
**Warnings**: symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) described  
**Spoilers**: **thanfiction**'s DAYD from _Chapter 18_ on and **ceirdwenfc**'s _Finding Forgiveness_  
**Author's Notes**: Entry for the 1st Anniversary Contest, using the prompt of _**anniversary**_. This is the first one shot I've written in a very long time, so I thank **bluealoe** for looking it over and letting me know if I pulled it off okay. Thanks also for letting me know where I needed to expand sections. **ceirdwenfc** "let" me use Zach for this fic on the condition that I "give him back in one piece". I think I've done that, even if I did torture him a little along the way. :-)

* * *

**Banned**

**29 March 1998**

Zach had expected that it wouldn't go over well with most of the DA when he told them he was leaving. He had expected shock, but he had also expected some of them at least to see where he was coming from. He had expected that his own Housemates would understand why he was doing this. He wasn't recklessly brave like Longbottom or Finnigan. He wasn't incredibly studious like Goldstein, Corner, or Boot. He was a Hufflepuff. His House valued justice and hard work, and Zach was no exception. He wanted to see You-Know-Who brought down of course, and it couldn't hurt to build up some strength and endurance since he was planning to go on to Auror training right after school. But why lose his life in some travesty of valiance, following a stupidly brave Gryffindor in a battle they logically could not win, no matter how hard Bagman and Glynnis made them work for it? People from his own House should have been able to see that it was madness, that the DA couldn't rightfully deserve their loyalty.

But then Ernie and Susan had tried to show him that he was wrong. For Merlin's sake, why couldn't _they_ of all people see his point? They had so much more to lose than he did, it was true, but that only made Zach's point all the stronger. It crushed him when they said they were seeing the DA through to the end.

And then Creevey had made that ridiculous speech. That's what threw Zach over the edge. The gall of that boy! Two years his junior and he was lecturing Zach about what it meant to risk everything? Well, he didn't need that.

The one thing that Zach fully expected when he walked away from the Room of Requirement was to hear Megan running after him. She didn't.

He didn't expect the pain.

He had stormed down as far as the fifth floor when it happened. A searing, white-hot pain slashed across his throat. Zach's hands flew up to clutch at the spot. He felt no damage there, no scar, no blood, but he knew without a doubt that he could never go back, knew he would be unable to speak of the DA to its remaining members. He was banned.

**29 March 1999**

He and Megan had been married for nearly ten months. Little Neville was three months old now, and Megan had been speaking to him again for two. Zach had everything he could have ever wanted. He had a job with the Aurors that paid, if not well, at least a comfortable wage. His wife and son were healthy. And yet when Zach awoke on that Monday morning his mouth was utterly dry. He tried to lift his head from the pillow, to turn onto his side as he always did before getting out of bed, but couldn't manage either. Zach felt nothing but profound confusion for a few moments. Then he realized what the date was.

"Meg?" he called. His voice sounded thin and unnatural. It was about thirty seconds before he heard her footsteps outside the door and in that time, Zach felt himself begin to sweat and his heart begin to race. What if she wasn't here? What if she had abandoned him again? He could almost feel the burn of his banishment across his throat once more.

When Megan entered their bedroom, her expression changed from one of humoring tolerance to one of intense worry with the speed of a hurled Quaffle as she took in Zach's state. "What's wrong, Zach?" she asked, putting a hand to his forehead while clasping his trembling hand in her other.

"I—" He gulped and tried again, "I don't think I'm going to be able to work today, love."

"Well, you're not running a fever, but you've gone all clammy and don't look at all well. Maybe you should wait a bit. See if it clears up on its—"

"Please Meg, I _can't_ go in, not today. _Please_." Zach hated how pathetic he sounded, hated that he had to plead with her, hated the tears that had started to leak from his eyes. Megan's eyes softened as she gave him a sympathetic look. She squeezed the hand she was still holding.

"I'll Floo the Ministry and tell them you're ill."

"Thank you," Zach whispered as he reluctantly let her hand slip from his and she left the room.

**29 March 2000**

He had wondered if he would be able to handle it this year. Two years on from the day he had walked out on his friends, he thought he _should _be able to handle it. But in the week leading up to 29 March, Zach began to have nightmares. He would dream that he was back in the Room of Requirement, explaining again and again why he was leaving. He would see Ernie's determined face and hear Colin's angry voice. He would feel the burning pain across his throat again and again. And, night after night, he would awake yelling that he didn't mean to leave, that all he wanted was Megan back again, that he would gladly die for her.

It got so bad that Megan had to take Neville and newborn Wayne to stay with her mum until the nightmares subsided and Zach was able to rest again. She didn't dare leave him alone, even for a single night, for fear that Zach might do himself permanent injury if he woke up and she wasn't there to comfort him. So, night after night for a week, she'd awaken to Zach's yells, take him in her arms, and hold him close. "It's okay baby, I'm here, I'm here." Zach would cling to her desperately until she calmed him enough to fall back asleep.

Again, Zach Flooed in sick that Wednesday.

**29 March 2001**

"Love?"

"Yes, Meg?"

"I got you some calming draughts and potions for dreamless sleep when I was in Diagon Alley today. I thought maybe you could use them with it almost being…you know when."

Zach felt the color drain from his face. He had been trying to force the idea of the anniversary as far back into the recesses of his brain as he could; he hadn't forgotten the disaster that had been last year.

"Thank you, Meg, though I hope I won't have to use them much. It shouldn't affect me like it does, I know it shouldn't."

"Do you think…maybe talking to Susan or…or Colin about it—"

"I'm not talking to that ghost about anything," Zach said hotly, cutting her off. He felt his face heat just as rapidly as it had paled just a moment ago. Susan, on the other hand, was another matter. She'd been in contact with Zach ever since Cecily was born. She kept him up to date about her charity work, emphasizing her contacts at St. Mungo's especially. In her letters she always hinted that she knew people whom he might like to meet and speak with, but she was never too specific on the details. "I probably will pay Susan a visit though. She's been asking me 'round for awhile now. I'll take a few days holiday at work and head up to the Loch for the weekend. Do—do you and the boys want to come with me?"

"I think we can manage that," Megan said. She smiled and moved in to kiss her husband. "I'm really proud of you Zach, you know that? Susan really is trying to help you, and I'm glad you're finally letting her. Just…don't give me a reason to be jealous." She winked at him.

"You don't have anything to worry about, love. I know people say Susan's gorgeous, but you're the only witch for me," Zach said, smiling back at her and kissing her soundly on the lips.

* * *

They arrived at the Macmillan farm at noon on Thursday. Zach had slept badly the night before, but the calming draughts made it possible for him to face the day. He would be forever grateful to Megan for those.

Susan came out into the front garden to greet them.

"Zach, Megan, it's so good to see you two again," she said as she hugged them both. She crouched down to get on a level with Neville and Wayne. "Would you two like to go play with the lambs?"

Wayne gasped in delight, "Can we, Mum? Oh please, can we?" Megan smiled.

"Run along then. Just keep an eye on your brother, Neville."

"Brilliant!"

"And keep your coats on, it's colder here than in London!" Megan called after them.

Susan smiled after the boys' retreating backs. "Don't worry, Meg, Duncan will look after them. Well, now that the little ones are taken care of, would you like to come in and have some tea? Then we can talk." Zach took a deep, steadying breath and nodded.

Once they were inside the warmth of the kitchen and had been plied with tea and sandwiches, Susan spoke again.

"How are you, Zach? Neville tells me that you've been taking today off ever since you joined the Aurors. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Zach lowered his tea cup back to the saucer slowly and deliberately. "It's…" he struggled to find the best way to describe it, "complicated. I know most everyone's forgiven me for what I did that year, but I can still recall their reactions then. And I wouldn't be surprised if some of them still think those things. I just can't bear to be with everybody at the office on…on the day I betrayed them all." Megan had replaced her cup as well, and he felt her making small, soothing circles on his back. "And then, I _see_ things in…in my dreams. I feel things."

"What sorts of things, Zach?" Susan asked, her voice laced with concern.

"I see you and—" he stopped short, wondering if it would be painful for Susan to hear about Ernie. But then, he realized where and with whom Susan was living and went on, "and Ernie trying to convince me to stay. I see the anger and hurt in Colin's eyes. I hear him yelling at me. And then, do you know what it feels like when you are banned from a Fidelius Charm?" Susan shook her head. Megan even looked at him with interest. He had never spoken about this before. "It feels like someone is using a Flagrate across your throat." Zach fingered the spot that hurt him every year without fail. "It's terrible," he finished in a whisper.

Megan's arms were around him now, her forehead pressing against his cheek. "Oh, sweetheart, I knew about the dreams, knew about the panic attacks, but you never said it actually hurts." Susan was rummaging in a drawer for parchment and a quill. She located them, brought them back to the table and wrote something down.

"I'm giving you the name of the best Healer at St. Mungo's for this kind of thing. He's spoken with most of the DA who were in hospital after the Battle, and everyone says he's wonderful. Healer Mawby works out of the Janus Thickey ward—"

"But that's the ward for spell damage, isn't it? I haven't been spell-damaged."

"What you just described with the Fidelius makes me wonder if you weren't. Anyway, Mawby specializes in the more psychological aspect of trauma. He's one of the healers tending to Neville's parents as well."

"Thank you, Susan," Megan said in a determined voice. "I'll be sure Zach makes an appointment with Mawby as soon as he can."

**29 March 2003**

Zach had been seeing Brett Mawby at St. Mungo's for almost two years now. It was two weeks before the anniversary, and he hadn't had one bad dream or panic attack.

"You know, Megan, I think I might be okay this year." He trailed his fingers over his wife's belly, just beginning to show their third child. He had been feeling so much better lately, and the situation at work was at last calming down enough that he had made her a promise. They would have a proper wedding, with the Minister and the cake and the happy feelings afterward. He owed her that much.

"Zach, promise me you'll do one thing, before the wedding?"

"Anything for you, Meggie."

"Promise me you'll go to Hogwarts and see Colin. I think it would really help you move on."

Zach took a breath, about to say no, as he did every time Megan brought this up. But then he thought about his most recent session with Brett. They had talked about letting go of grudges, even with the dead.

"Okay."

"Really? You really will?"

"Yeah, I've avoided it long enough and Brett wants me to make peace with everyone I can. He thinks it will help. But…it's Colin." Zach left his thought hanging, hoping he wouldn't have to say what was really on his mind.

"And he was the one who made it impossible for you to come back," Megan supplied.

"Exactly. He effectively kept me from you, and I don't know if I can ever forgive him for that, but I'll try."

When he arrived at Hogwarts the next morning, he paid his respects at the memorial, then went to see Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout before finally tracking down the Gryffindor ghost. He found him floating along on the slight breeze at one of the entrances to the Quidditch pitch.

"Hello, Zacharias," Colin said in a tight voice. "What brings you to Hogwarts?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you, Colin. Maybe we could go sit in the stands and…talk?" Zach suggested.

"I don't need to sit anymore, Zacharias," Colin replied, still with a trace of animosity.

"All right then," Zach said, feeling slightly uncomfortable now. But now he was here with Colin, he had to go on. "I guess here's as good a place as any. I just…I wanted to apologize, Colin. I was a coward, and I'm sorry. I wanted to come back almost the moment I left the Room, but…but you banned me. I need to know, Colin, why did you do that?"

"Because you betrayed us. You betrayed our trust. You betrayed the agreement we all made that we would help Harry bring down Voldemort or die trying. You walked out on us. If you could do that on a mere whim, then you might have been capable of really betraying us. Not about the existence of the DA or its members, but, no matter what you said that night, you might have joined the other side. At least that's the way I saw it then."

"You kept me from Megan."

"I didn't." The ghost's utterly calm tone annoyed Zach.

"I love her Colin, and I loved her then." His voice was rising and Zach felt hot as his face flushed. He hadn't expected to be put on the defensive by a _ghost _of all things. "Being apart from her was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. And you did that!" he spat. "You banned me from being able to explain _why _to her, to _anyone_. She was furious with me. She wouldn't talk to me for months, even after we were married."

Colin flew at Zach, right up into his face. "You did your explaining in the Room of Requirement! If you had more to say, you could have said it then, but you didn't! Of course Megan was upset with you!" he bellowed. It took Zach by surprise, but it was at least good to know that Colin could still show his temper.

Seeming to realize what he had just done, Colin backed off and lowered his voice, though it still shook with anger. "But you made a choice, Zacharias, and that choice is what kept you two apart."

Now that he heard it spoken in such a plain, these-are-the-facts way, it made sense. Zach had to agree with him, but –

"I told you then, and I'll tell you again now. It's not like I was going to go off and join the Death Eaters, and I still wouldn't. Hell, I track down Death Eaters for a living now. But at the time, I didn't see why we all had to die. It was stupid and brave and rational, but I was never a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. I wanted to do the right thing, but I was too much of a coward to stand with you then. And maybe I hadn't thought it through as completely as I thought I had, or I could have said more than I did. _I'm sorry._ Please accept that, Colin."

The ghost looked ready to argue the point further, however. He appeared to struggle with himself momentarily, but then relented. "Thank you. I've needed to hear that for five years. Though, being a ghost, it doesn't seem that long at all."

Zach nodded curtly at Colin and turned to leave. He wasn't sure if he had made peace with Colin, exactly, but at least they had talked. They understood each other, and that would have to be enough for now.

**29 March 2005**

It felt odd coming into the office that day. Zach hadn't worked on that particular day ever in his life. Brett had given him plenty of encouragement. Megan had been very supportive. Harry had told him to take his time and had promised he wouldn't send him out on patrols. So finally, he was back. But it was still an exceptional day.

As he pored over his recent case files and dictated reports to his quill, Zach couldn't quite miss that each of the DA veterans made a point of stopping by to exchange a few words. He knew they were adjusting to seeing him there as much as he was adjusting to being there, but it was still slightly unnerving.

By the time he arrived home that night, Zach was in need of a very stiff drink. Megan poured out a glass of firewhiskey for him and sat down across from him at their well-worn kitchen table.

"How was it?" she asked. Her tone was matter of fact. She was merely asking him the same question she did every night, but tonight it carried more weight.

"It was…okay. I really think it'll be okay from now on."

"I love you, Zach."

"I love you too, Meggie."

And then the kitchen exploded with squeals and shouts of "Daddy! Daddy's home!" and Zach knew he would be alright. He had his family. He had his friends. He had everything that truly mattered. He was home.


End file.
